If you live in Yelm, Washington, be very careful where you park your vehicle because Edward Smith may have sex with it. So far, the 62-year-old car lover (pun intended) has bedded – in lack of a better word – 1,000 cars, which makes him the world’s most promiscuous mechaphile, a colloquial word used to describe people who love machines a little bit too much or who feel an insatiable sexual attraction to cars.
Smith claims he has never been attracted to a human being in his life and that his love for cars started way back in his childhood. He actually lost his virginity to a neighbor’s Volkswagen Beetle. He has had only one female girlfriend 12 years ago but never found it in him to consummate the relationship. In fact, his sexual experience with women began and ended with a one night stand in Seattle. Ever since he can remember, he felt attracted to cars. “When I turned 13 and the famous Corvette Stingray came about, that car was pure sex and just an incredible machine. I wanted it,” he explains. “I didn’t fully understand it myself except that I know I’m not hurting anyone and I do not intend to,” he adds. He’s now in an open relationship with a second-hand Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, a 1973 Opel GT, called Cinnamon, and an 1193 Ford Ranger by the name of Splash, which he regularly takes for joy rides. However, his heart belongs to Vanilla for which he has real feelings. “When I hold Vanilla in my arms there’s a powerful energy that comes from her,” he says. “I would say it is extremely satisfying but at times a little melancholy because I know she cannot talk to me. But overall I know she feels what I feel and it’s intense. If anything was to happen to her I would be more than heartbroken.”
Photo: Edward Smith
When talking about what attracts him the most about these cars, he says “Some guys look at boobs and bums on beautiful women. I look at the front and rear on beautiful cars.” But before settling down with foxy blonde Vanilla, he took numerous other cars for test drives. “There are moments way out in the middle of nowhere when I see a little car parked and I swear it needs loving,” he explains. “There have been certain cars that attracted me and I would wait until night time, creep up to them and just hug and kiss them,” he confesses. But you mustn’t fear that you’ll find a man humping your car in the parking lot one day, because Smith is completely devoted to his current lovers and besides, “I know better now than to pursue other people’s private property without permission,” and although he’s very tempted to take other cars for a ride to pleasure town, he always finds the power to restrain himself. “I will not deny that I look at other cars on TV or at shows and still get those old impulses and desires – but those were the early days. Now I want to settle down with Vanilla,” he says adding that “There’s something about her that I can’t fully express on an emotional level except it’s very powerful and very sincere.”
After reading all of this, you might think Smith is missing a few “cylinders” but he says “I’m not sick and I don’t want to hurt anyone, cars are just my preference.” His feelings towards some of his metal lovers are so strong that he even writes poetry for them. When talking about his love for Vanilla, he says “I’m never ashamed or awkward in my heart. I have never questioned myself – I just love her.” Although he seems two hub caps short of a Buick, you can’t deny his desires and lifestyle choices are indeed harmless to the people around him. So best of luck to you and Vanilla, Ed!