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Silicon Valley Tech Companies Turn to Wiccan Witch to Deal with Pesky Computer Viruses and Demons

Modern technology doesn’t exactly go hand in hand with witchcraft, but that doesn’t seem to be stopping Silicon Valley companies from employing the services of a Wiccan witch to help them deal with hackers, computer viruses and demonic possessions.

Reverend Joey Talley is a witch of the Wicca faith with more than four decades of experience in dealing with the occult and three master’s degrees under her belt. Based in Marin County, just outside Silicone Valley, the Wiccan witch is the-go-to person for computer programmers, software designers, and engineers facing problems that they feel are supernatural in nature. The fact that Talley has absolutely no background in technology or IT, or that she often refers to the tech industry as the “techno industry” doesn’t bother them one bit.

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“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” the witch says, “so I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.” If plants fail, she turns to Jet, a black gemstone that acts as an energy blocker, ideal for debugging office hardware. However, larger or more vulnerable computer networks often require “a rainbow of colors to divert excess energy.” And if all else fails, she can just cast a protection spell over the entire company, to keep things going smooth.

Reverend Joey’s specialty is dealing with evil spirits. “I really like dealing with demons,” she says. Speaking to San Francisco Weekly, the Wiccan witch remembered a recent task that involved removing a startup whose office alarm had been infected by an “invasive species”. They had brought in a number of electricians to solve the problem, but they had all failed to fix it from going off at odd intervals. Whatever poltergeist was at work here required an occult approach, so they called Talley. “I don’t know anything about electronics, but I got the spirit out,” she said proudly.

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If you’re surprised tech companies turn to a witch to handle maintenance problems, you will be shocked to learn that they also employ her services in legal issues. Talley says that when companies are threatened with litigation she can cast special spells to divert the plaintiff or the plaintiff’s attorney. “Witchcraft is the art of changing consciousness at will,” she adds.

Joey Talley has become quite popular in the Bay Area. She holds monthly moon rituals in her backyard, where women interested in learning Wiccan witchcraft chant into a cauldron, fall in and out of trances and feast on vegetarian potluck. Unfortunately, men are not welcome. “I used to invite men but they were just there to get laid,” she told SF Weekly. “They had no interest in goddess worship, and that’s very annoying when you’re trying to reach the divinity.”

 

So if you’re looking for a job in Silicon Valley, but have little or no tech skills, Wiccan witchcraft is an alternative.

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